I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
