one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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