The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
