Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
