No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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