i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
