I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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