just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
