I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
