we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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