I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
