I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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