I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
