I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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