My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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