there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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