I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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