Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
