They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
