Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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