I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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