note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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