I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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