Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
