she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
