Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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