He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
