I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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