you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
