I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
