I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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