put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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