Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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