WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
