Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
