i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
