Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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