I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
