I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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