I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize