I'm sorry my penis didn't work
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
