Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
