I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
