Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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