Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
