wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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