Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
