I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You did what with his pubic hair?
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