how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
