Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
