Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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