a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
