Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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