And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
