I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
