Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
